life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
