So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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