my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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