What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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