ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
