you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
