That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
