see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
