I love black thongs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
