My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
