Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
