They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
