can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
