I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize