True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
