i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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