Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
