Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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