oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
