She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
