And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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