I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
