This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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