Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
well you can't waste a boner
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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