Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
