my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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