Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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