I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
