Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
