apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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