The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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