Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
