roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just cropdusted the office
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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