final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
