I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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