I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
