I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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