My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
