I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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