i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You ruined the universe
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
