i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
