dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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