Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
