I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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