I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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