my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
