Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
