She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
