i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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