ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
