I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
