I accidentally had phone sex last night
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is the high leading the old right now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
