my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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