At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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