The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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