you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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